MASONIC    HUMOR

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the Third Day !!!
 

Three freemasons were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in New Jersey. One brother was from Tennessee, one from North Carolina and one from Kentucky. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The brother from Tennessee began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking! Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared , with wine and even dessert.

Then the brother from North Carolina spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning! The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow brethren from Kentucky was married to a woman from Harlan County. He sat up straight on the bar stool and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning! Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye..."

 

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.  "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."
 

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!" 
     After due thought, he said...  "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"


Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
 

The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag".  He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
 

Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".
 

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk.
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. 
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
 

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree.  Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.

"I was entered on July 4, 1957.  Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree."

So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1957.

"Where have you been all these years?  What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask.

His reply: "I was learning to subdue my passions!"

 

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber.
"But I don't work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I don't like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you"
"OK" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowl. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

 

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
    "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines.
    The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
    "What's the score?" asks the first man.
    "I don't know, it's a secret."
 

While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. 
I asked in what way? 
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. 
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting  on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong. 
No, was his reply. 
So why read the book there?  
Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
 

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
    The candidate replied "a beer".  
    At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
    "OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
 

A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his  bicycle. 


Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.  Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
 

Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case.
Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?"
John gives a quick look and whispers: "You remember the installation meeting last year ?"
Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely woman. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them.  I told my wife I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !"


It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1."
St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone  in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it.
St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course."
"The kitchen," said the Master?   
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
 

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
"Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
"Indeed I am" said Bill. 
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" 
"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
"Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
"OK, so what's the good news?"
"The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"    
"Great" said Pat. "What's the bad news then?"
"You're the Senior Deacon!

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.
So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.
The man said "how much is the one with the masters apron on."
"$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck."
"No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on."
"Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it."

"No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on."
"You can have him for $10.00."
"Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"
"Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
 

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it.  In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly.  So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can  drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie.  "Don't you know that's impossible?  No Genie could do that.  It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power.  You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master.  "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"

 "Hmmmmm," said the Genie.  "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
 

It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at least once a month they would always hear this stomping from above.
One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek.  
After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!"
When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW.'

Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed? The  ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an  old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he  immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully,  top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he  would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man  reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently  tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.

He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed! A week later,  the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand  dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an  itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer ..   $        2.00
Knowing where to ......... $      9998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your  life makes all the difference.

The Mason and the Knights of Columbus

A Mason and A Knights of Columbus are driving down a street in differnt directions.
Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.
They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of integrity, they began to talk.
The K of C says that it was fortunate for these two men of integrity to have met in such a strange way.
The Mason says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident.
So, they decide to celebrate. The K of C ends up drinking almost all of the wine. And just as there's about a drink left in the whole bottle, the K of C asks the Mason if he would like a drink.
The Mason shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive."

The Junior Deacon

There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the brethren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions.

During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report your findings ".

The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impeccably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The Tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past District Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Sovereign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who humbly requests an audience with the WM.

The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door" !!!